Sunday, 16 February 2014


I once watched a man kick his wife's stomach from here to Sunday because his dinner had gone cold; and get this, she was four months pregnant at the time! Talk about a destructive relationship huh? Of course she lost the baby, a lot of blood, and her ability to ever have kids again. Long story short, the twerp subsequently divorced her and went for another woman who was 'fertile' conveniently forgetting that he was the reason his first wife could no longer have kids. Happily, the second woman bore four children while married to him and it turned out none of them were his. Karma rocks!!! :)

The problem with destructive relationships is that the clues are not always so obvious. Of course physical abuse is such an obvious sign that it virtually elicits a duh so it really does not count. The thing you have to understand about destructive relationships is that most times, the very things you think are sweet and romantic are actually the signs you should have been looking out for in the first place. Here are a few:

1. They always want you all to themselves.
Yes when a partner always wants to get you alone 24/7 and never share your attention with anyone at all, it's tempting to be flattered and very easy to get swept up in it and assume that they are possessive because they are crazy about you and can't bear to share you; most times, you would be right. But in the end, you are isolated from everyone; family and friends drop away and soon, that partner becomes the center of your universe and, you are virtually at their mercy because you become socially awkward and completely dependent on them for fun and conversation. It's underhanded, manipulative and very effective because hey, no man is really an island.

2. They make you work for their attention.
There can be no possible excuse for this one. If you are in a relationship where you have to work for crumbs of attention, you might want to get out as fast as you can because you are headed down a dangerous path otherwise. Take a look at the statistics, most people who commit or attempt suicide do that because of unrequited love. Now if you have to keep chasing after someone you are in a relationship with, chances are you end up feeling frustrated, your self-esteem suffers, and just when you are trying to catch your breath from all that running around after them,you realize that you have decided to settle for how badly they treat you; or worse, you become convinced that you don't deserve better.

3. They receive; you give.
Yes I understand the absolute joy that sweeps over you when you give your heart-throb a gift and watch his/her face light up. But when you are always the one doing the giving, materially, emotionally and otherwise, you might want to reconsider that relationship. Of course if you choose to continue along that path, you will give until you have nothing else left. Now for some of us, nothing about always being the giver suggests a destructive relationship but in truth, these are hoops you unwittingly jump through in the name of love and the fact is the more hoops you jump through, the more they place in front of you just for the fun of it.

4. They point out your flaws and make fun of you.
Frankly I think it's a no-brainer. Why would someone who professes to love you want to make you feel anything but good about yourself? Don't get me wrong, in healthy relationships, you may poke gentle fun at each other and tease the socks off each other; that's great and hilarious. But if say you are sensitive about your weight and your significant other baldly informs you in front of a roomful of people that your ass is the size of two pigs in a sack, I don't think you need me to tell you to get the hell outta Dodge!

5. They guilt or manipulate you into doing something you had rather not.
 Like I said, not every destructive relationship comes with the obvious signs coz not every devil wears a horn and carries a pitchfork! A spouse may appear weak, vulnerable and weepy but in truth, they are playing you like a fiddle. You may decide to end the relationship and they turn on the waterworks; you may say you don't have money for a big vacation and they sulk and pout and list every time they made sacrifices for your ungrateful hide; you may decide you want your mother to come for Thanksgiving and they issue an ultimatum: "It's me or your mum! Choose!"

An abusive partner may generally use threats, intimidation, blame games, act like you are crazy or paranoid, and do all of the above and even more, but unfortunately, most times, the problem is not knowing you are in a destructive relationship, but knowing how to get out of it.

Feel free to look out for our next post on how to get out of a destructive relationship with your sanity and body parts intact! :)


  1. Hi Sherina.
    I read your post and I think it's dead kn. Some people are in very abusive and destructive relationships and they don't even know it. I am looking forward to your article on how to get out of a destructive relationship

  2. Hi Cynthia,
    Thanks for the effusive compliments. :) I agree with you. Relationships are a joy when you are in the right one, but the wrong relationship can mess with everything from your career to your mind! You may look for the second article over the weekend. Thanks.

  3. Nice work Sherina. I think I am in such a relationship. My girlfriend makes me spend all my money on Brazillian weavons and even when I tell her I am broke, she takes the money from my account on her own because she has access to my ATM pin. Sherina this girl is taking me to the cleaners and even though I know that, I can't let her go no matter how hard I try. She cheated on me once and somehow I still forgave her; whereas my past girlfriend did the same thing and till date I can't forgive her. I feel complete when I am with this girl and she makes me laugh. When I see other girls, I can't feel a thing for them because I am so hung up on my girlfriend and yet, I know there is something wrong! I don't know what to do. Help anyone?

  4. Na wa ooo. O boy that girl is taking you for a ride! Wake up!!!

  5. Hi Anonymous :) I think you have just echoed the plight of lots of young men. Well I wouldn't make so bold as to tell you how to conduct your relationship but I can tell you this: If you, the person in the relationship, think the relationship is not too good for you, then why the hell are you still there? I will post my next article on how to come out of a destructive relationship on Saturday the 22nd day of Feb. 2014. Feel free to read it and also, be sure to share the links on your social media. Sharing is caring.:)

  6. Hi Salisu; your comment is noted I'm sure but in truth, the idea is not to make anyone feel bad for being in the wrong relationship, the idea is to help as much people as possible to find their feet and detach from the wrong people in their lives. :)