5 SURPRISING WAYS YOU ARE SABOTAGING YOUR OWN RELATIONSHIP

For some of us, the end of one year is a promise of something better and for some others, it presents the continuation of the same series of problems with no end in sight. Alright before I start waxing philosophical, our focus is relationships.
Every woman worth her salt knows that It's possible to love a guy so much that your breath stops every time you clap eyes on him;and every time he smiles at you, you get a little breathless. Well here are some of the things you could be doing which seem right but which in truth are pushing him that much further away:

1. Buying him expensive gifts
Yes it's very tempting to shower gifts on the man you love; I don't blame you, it's the mothering instinct in all of us but the result is, they make him feel indebted and in the long run, he starts to go out of his way to show you that he does not owe you a farthing. Are you seeing where I'm going with this? Men are perverse creatures: their egos often get in the way of a lot of things. He may know you mean well, but soon he will start to feel like a kept man, and unless he is a closet gigolo, you may be sure he will soon start to secretly resent you and your gifts because human nature being what it is, gratitude often starts to feel like a noose.

2. Changing to please a guy
One word; DON'T! Most men will try to tell you they prefer this or that in a woman and you can't really blame them because in the end, they are only human and everyone has preferences but changing yourself to please a guy is its own suicide. My point is, if being exactly yourself does not appeal to someone, then whatever you do will be very much like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole; you will end up bruised and miserable. If you don't suit him, trust me there is someone else out there who does, and vice versa. Of course if  he merely wants you to stop being a fishwife, then that's productive and you should really consider it because it's a bad habit he wants you to stop; but if he decides he wants to turn you into a timid, demure stepford wife, when you have the temperament of a true sanguine, then you might want to run for the hills!

3. Sex
Ah, a sensitive topic! Men by their very nature, will always try to have sex with you, but the truth is, whenever you give in to their incessant demands, they are disappointed on some level. Now don't get me wrong, this is not a condemnation for those who are not virgins, I am simply saying, keep it in your pants as much as possible! Studies have shown that sometimes the heightened anticipation that comes from not indulging in a more intimate relationship can strengthen the bond between a couple more than anything else. Oh and when there is a shiny diamond on your finger, you might want to keep it wrapped up much less.

4. Giving up your life for him.
I have never been too certain why some women believe that their lives start and end with a man. It's unfortunately very easy to bask in the aura of love and let the rest of live slide by;well don't! Having dreams and goals, pursuing them and achieving them make you a better, more satisfied and happier person and ultimately make you a better partner! So yes, by living your own life you are actually doing him a favour.

5. Being too available
Yes I know that if you had a nickel for every time you have heard this one, you would be as rich as Croesus; but have you stopped to think that if it wasn't true, you wouldn't hear so much of it? This is really a lot like number four above; you have to take care of every facet of your life rather than dump everything down a drain whilst you wait with bated breath for crumbs of attention from your lover If you love someone, it's natural to always want to see them and be with them. Well in truth, even if you are leg-shackled to a person, you don't always have to be available.Try as much as possible to keep busy and also have a healthy social and work life; in fact, it's good for your relationship if you aren't always on top of each other ____ no pun intended!

Sherina Okoye

WHY WOMEN CHEAT

Most men worth their salt would do just about anything to keep from sharing their woman, but when she does cheat, the emotional anguish alone from trying to understand why, can be very devastating. For most men, it’s a thing of macho pride to be able to cheat and get away with it, but interestingly, when these same men are confronted with their own spouse or partner cheating, they have a completely different outlook. Well here are a few reasons women cheat:

1.      YOU CHEATED 1^st, 2^nd, and 3^rd.

Alright so two wrongs don’t make a right, but in the world of relationships, logic rarely has a leg to stand on coz it’s emotions galore. Yes, Casanova was a man, but that does not necessarily mean you have to prove your masculinity by chasing everything in skirts. Every time I hear the expression “It’s in a man’s nature to cheat,” I know for a fact that I’m talking to a boy. Cheating is the surest way to hurt your woman and drive her away; and while she may pick up the pieces and stitch her broken heart back together, she may never truly forgive you.  Even if she does forgive your cheating ass, you may be sure you have lost something you would never get back... her unconditional love.  I mean, it does put quite a strain on love when you have trust issues doesn’t it?

2.      INSECURITY

Remember those high school games where you liked a girl and still made her feel as though she wasn’t very special because in some twisted way treating her badly was supposed to keep her hooked? Well here’s an advice: high school was a movie! In real life, women want romance, flowers and nauseatingly intimate messages. She may deny it, but a woman always loves to know that she is your priority; her and no one else. Every woman wants to know that her man thinks she’s all that and I assure you if you do that, she would place the world at your feet. So if you are the type to dangle her on a thread of uncertainty whilst seemingly keeping a co-worker in your breast pocket and your friendly secretary in your back-pocket, you may be sure that you will lose her to someone else. You may think to impress your hommies with how macho you are and how much you don’t need her. In truth though, while you think ignoring her is cool, someone else doesn’t and he will be right behind you to make sure she knows that.

3.      YELLING AT OR STRIKING HER

Okay if the thought of beating a hapless woman blue and black doesn’t make you a little queasy, then the jury is still out on your sanity. Not to belabour the point though, if you are in the habit of yelling at your significant other, you may be sure that someone else would be waiting in the wings to pamper her and dry her tears every time you make her cry. This is not idle talk mind, I did a survey right here in the office and 8 out of every 10 woman admitted that every single time they had a terrible row with their husband or partner, that very day, some other guy stepped out of the blue and indicated interest. Weird but true. Probably the unconscious damsel in distress vibes, huh? Food for thought!

4.      ATTENTION

Newsflash; men aren’t the only attention-hogs. In fact, women, more than men, thrive on it. Do you remember watching your dad and that annoying little sister whom everyone knew was his favourite? What was it that made her daddy’s little girl with a vast preference for daddy over mummy who after-all, carried her for nine months? Attention. If your woman has to practically beg for yours, you are doing something very wrong.  In fact, most women resort to harmless flirting with other guys to get the attention of the one person they love because they hope that if you think you have a rival for her affections, you would pay more attention. Unfortunately for both of you, flirting may lead to something more, and whose fault would that be when it comes down to it?

5.      TO FEEL YOUNG

No, men are not the only ones who like to hold onto their youth as long as possible. Unfortunately, when you have been in a relationship for a while, most people tend to think it’s okay to drift into passive romance. Well that’s one of the most common reasons women cheat; to feel that vibe again. Please tell me you already know that as much as men love to chase, WOMEN LOVE TO BE CHASED!!! So here’s a clue; don’t toss dating outta the window just cause you have been married for ten years. Even if you have to grit your teeth when the check comes, take her out to dinner now and then.

Of course some women may cheat because like their cheating male counterparts, they merely have the morals of alley-cats but more often than not, a decent woman may fall off her pedestal if you push her hard enough. So now you know what to avoid.

HOW TO GET OUT OF A DESTRUCTIVE RELATIONSHIP

I think at this point we all know that a destructive relationship is one where the other person does everything from kill your favourite pet to make you lie to the people you love to protect him/her; whatever your definition, it's not a walk in the park!

Now the truth about destructive relationships is that they give new meaning to the expression; “the road to hell is paved with good intentions”. I mean you may intend with all your heart to come out of them but more often than not, you need a little help on the how to.

So just in case you have battling with how to kick that person to the curb without doing irreparable damage to your already vulnerable heart in the process, here are a few clues:

1.  Acknowledge you have a problem and end it in your mind.

As with most addictions, the first step is the acknowledgement and then the decision to stop. Yes I can almost see you cringe at the word ‘addiction’ but in truth, a destructive relationship is about as addictive as they come because even though you know it’s bad for you, you find it hard to stop. So whether you think of it as habit, addiction or just situation, the key to the best part of the rest of your life is simply to decide firmly in your mind that it’s over and even go the extra mile of telling yourself why it can no longer work. Yes, you can’t possibly go wrong with an honest-to-goodness list, unless of course they see it before you have fully gotten your mind made up and firm; in which case they would simply tear down your less-than-effective barricades and force their way deeper into your heart.

2.   Get a real friend and talk to the person about it

Whoever said ‘a problem shared is a problem half-solved’ certainly knew what they were talking about. As bad as your situation may seem, there must be that one friend somewhere who would listen to you and encourage you without judging and without so much as an ‘I told you so.’ This is one of those times when you need a good friend; someone to remind you that you are special, desirable, and wonderful and that you are not going to end up a lonely old person with cats for company just because you decided to end this abusive relationship. Get someone who will convince you that you deserve better and that they are going to stand by you until you get out of this mess you have made of your life. Of course, if you are one of the unlucky few who have no such friends, you can still end it, you just need to draw on every ounce of your personal strength; and then some!

3.     Plan what you will say.

 This is one of those times when spontaneity may not be your friend because while you are twiddling your thumbs and running it through your mind trying to think of a good reason they can’t argue with, they will burst into tears, or give you ‘the look’ and all your good intentions will go flying out of the window as you fall back into their arms right back where you started. Of course you know that with every failed attempt you make, the harder it becomes to break free and the more manipulative they will become.

4. Avoid emotion.

It may make sense to cry to show them that this isn’t an easy decision you took but you will only be hurting yourself because any emotion you display at this time will be used against you in the battle for your freedom. And no, you are not being Mirandized! Look at it this way; assume you burst into tears and tell them how wonderful they are, how crushed you are by your decision, and how hard it is to leave them; what do you think their natural reaction would be? He/she would say, “Then don’t leave me” or in some extreme case, even go so far as to threaten suicide and then like a good prison warden, your partner would close off that escape route and tighten the leash even more.

5.  Mode of delivery.

Most things about a relationship are better done in person and otherwise may seem tacky but where you are in genuine fear for your life because you partner is likely to resort to physical abuse, you may have to join countless of faceless others in writing the infamous ‘Dear John’ letter. In the alternative, if you just have to face them down, then you could simply arrange to meet and discuss in a very public place and even take a friend along with you for good measure. Oh and by the way, if you live with this person then the last thing you want is a shouting match while you are lugging trolleys in both hands so be sure to have gotten your things the hell out of Dodge (literally) before you pop the... well, decision.

6.   Don’t look back.

Memories can be very tricky. Let’s face it, as horrible as they were to you, your significant other certainly had their redeeming qualities. There must have been something absolutely charming about them and it could be everything from their smile to how they tease you to how they pamper you. But when you do make up your mind to use the nearest exit, actually do use the nearest exit and don’t look back for one last tender gaze! Yes and at this point, it would definitely be a good idea to lose their number (yes even though the digits are branded into your brain) and if possible, get a new number of your own.

I hope this works for you and hey, if you try all these, they will definitely work; so see you on the other side of your freedom and feel free to share on your social media coz you never know who might be out there needing to hear someone say it can be done!

SIGNS OF A DESTRUCTIVE RELATIONSHIP- DO YOU SEE THESE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP?

I once watched a man kick his wife's stomach from here to Sunday because his dinner had gone cold; and get this, she was four months pregnant at the time! Talk about a destructive relationship huh? Of course she lost the baby, a lot of blood, and her ability to ever have kids again. Long story short, the twerp subsequently divorced her and went for another woman who was 'fertile' conveniently forgetting that he was the reason his first wife could no longer have kids. Happily, the second woman bore four children while married to him and it turned out none of them were his. Karma rocks!!! :)


The problem with destructive relationships is that the clues are not always so obvious. Of course physical abuse is such an obvious sign that it virtually elicits a duh so it really does not count. The thing you have to understand about destructive relationships is that most times, the very things you think are sweet and romantic are actually the signs you should have been looking out for in the first place. Here are a few:

1. They always want you all to themselves.
Yes when a partner always wants to get you alone 24/7 and never share your attention with anyone at all, it's tempting to be flattered and very easy to get swept up in it and assume that they are possessive because they are crazy about you and can't bear to share you; most times, you would be right. But in the end, you are isolated from everyone; family and friends drop away and soon, that partner becomes the center of your universe and, you are virtually at their mercy because you become socially awkward and completely dependent on them for fun and conversation. It's underhanded, manipulative and very effective because hey, no man is really an island.

2. They make you work for their attention.
There can be no possible excuse for this one. If you are in a relationship where you have to work for crumbs of attention, you might want to get out as fast as you can because you are headed down a dangerous path otherwise. Take a look at the statistics, most people who commit or attempt suicide do that because of unrequited love. Now if you have to keep chasing after someone you are in a relationship with, chances are you end up feeling frustrated, your self-esteem suffers, and just when you are trying to catch your breath from all that running around after them,you realize that you have decided to settle for how badly they treat you; or worse, you become convinced that you don't deserve better.

3. They receive; you give.
Yes I understand the absolute joy that sweeps over you when you give your heart-throb a gift and watch his/her face light up. But when you are always the one doing the giving, materially, emotionally and otherwise, you might want to reconsider that relationship. Of course if you choose to continue along that path, you will give until you have nothing else left. Now for some of us, nothing about always being the giver suggests a destructive relationship but in truth, these are hoops you unwittingly jump through in the name of love and the fact is the more hoops you jump through, the more they place in front of you just for the fun of it.

4. They point out your flaws and make fun of you.
Frankly I think it's a no-brainer. Why would someone who professes to love you want to make you feel anything but good about yourself? Don't get me wrong, in healthy relationships, you may poke gentle fun at each other and tease the socks off each other; that's great and hilarious. But if say you are sensitive about your weight and your significant other baldly informs you in front of a roomful of people that your ass is the size of two pigs in a sack, I don't think you need me to tell you to get the hell outta Dodge!

5. They guilt or manipulate you into doing something you had rather not.
 Like I said, not every destructive relationship comes with the obvious signs coz not every devil wears a horn and carries a pitchfork! A spouse may appear weak, vulnerable and weepy but in truth, they are playing you like a fiddle. You may decide to end the relationship and they turn on the waterworks; you may say you don't have money for a big vacation and they sulk and pout and list every time they made sacrifices for your ungrateful hide; you may decide you want your mother to come for Thanksgiving and they issue an ultimatum: "It's me or your mum! Choose!"

An abusive partner may generally use threats, intimidation, blame games, act like you are crazy or paranoid, and do all of the above and even more, but unfortunately, most times, the problem is not knowing you are in a destructive relationship, but knowing how to get out of it.


Feel free to look out for our next post on how to get out of a destructive relationship with your sanity and body parts intact! :)